No Weight Watchers for Santa

Don't do it, Mr. Kringle.


Don't submit yourself to the insults and insinuations of some jerkhead Australian scientist who has the audacity to declare you, the one and only Santa Claus (and all your mall-sitting minions) a bad role model for children.


It's sad, but true. It seems that a scientist in Australia decided that the jolly, merry old image of Santa doesn't quite the fit the mold of what a responsible adult embodies.


SANTA'S A JOLLY BAD ROLE MODEL‎


I guess even Santa can't be hefty any more, at least according to this punk. Santa has his faults- I concede it's a bad image for him to smoke, and he has shown a bit of a tendency to favor Christian children over all others. But to call him a poor role model just because he's the "f" word ("fat" is truly an ugly term), is disheartening. We need Santa to be a jolly old elf. His belly needs shake like a bowl full of jelly. And the reindeer need the aerobic workout of pulling a chubby Santa around the world.


Heck, I'm Jewish, but having grown up in a household where all Judeo-Christian holidays were observed, I still appreciate everything that Santa holds dear: giving, family, cookies, and fantastic facial hair. He is the world's greatest celebrity, never had a sex scandal or other spat with Mrs. Claus, and successfully kept the Miser brothers at bay for at least 40 years.


Seriously, screw that scientist. All he's doing here is confirming the fears I've had all along: no matter what you do, or how good a person you are, if you're overweight, people won't concentrate on anything else.


I've struggled with that reality since I was a little boy still writing annual letters to the North Pole (and to Israel, where Hannukah Harry was busy shopping for socks). My fear was that no matter what I did in life, whether I became some kind of hero or blended into the crowd, people's first word to describe would be any euphemism of fat. We see it all the time. Look at an actor like John Candy. Somewhere in the first three words you use to describe him, I'm guessing his bulk would be included. The same goes for people like William Howard Taft, Marlon Brando, Chris Farley, or Rick Majerus. One was president and chief justice of the Supreme Court, one a temperamental actor, one a comedian, and one a great basketball coach. Yet all of them are best known for the size, diminishing all other attributes they may carry.


I don't want to forever be known as Matt, the funny fat guy or the rotund writer. People tell me they don't see those things, and those people are wonderful, but I still remember the kids (and adults) from my youth who took such great delight in reminding me that I was overweight. I'd love to be known as funny or as a writer, but if people could come up with other adjectives to describe me other than those associated with weight, I'd be delighted.


I'd love to pretend people don't judge others by their size, but try as I might, I've never known anyone who was truly blind to someone's weight. Kids are taught not to judge others by skin color, religion, or ethnicity, but should a fellow child be a few pounds heavier, adults are less inclined step in and tell them to stop teasing.


I'm finally working towards that, and making great progress. Sixteen weeks in, 44 pounds are gone from my frame. I got a new special charm tonight commemorating my commitment to the process. I know that role models come in all shapes, whether skinny or heavy, short or tall. I'd just like to get to a point in my own life when however people see me, they see who I am, not the size of my waistline.


But Santa, that doesn't go for you. People like me need Weight Watchers, but the world would be a much sadder place if there was less jelly to your jolly. Nothing but coal for that Australian scientist. Or may he be condemned to nothing but a diet of Spam and stringy dingo for the rest of his life. Solidarity, my corpulent, merry friend.


And if you see a house with a menorah in the window instead of an Xmas tree, be a pal and stop by. Cookies are delicious and all, but won't keep you going like a nice potato latke.


Here's a nice stocking stuffer.... STATS!


Weeks until wedding: 33. Time to start tux shopping? Let's lose a few more lbs first.
Week 16 pounds lost: 0.4
Total weight lost: 44 pounds
Average weight loss per week: 2.75 lbs
Progress toward overall 60-pound goal: 73.33333333333 percent
Pounds remaining to lose: 16
Shirts fitting: very loosely
Pants fitting: Please don't pull on them. I will look silly.
Number of subscribers to this blog: 30
Number last week: 30. Rut-roh. Must get 35 by 2010...
Night of Hanukkah: 7.
Days before Xmas: 8. How's your credit card balance looking?
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love: asked me to start singing a different friggin' song already!