Melon Equilibrium

I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow. --"So I Married an Axe Murderer"


If word ever spreads that I'm in some sort of coma, you can bet it has something to do with a self-inflicted head injury.


I've been bumping my head on a regular basis for the past six months. My balance has been off, and for the first time in many years, my equilibrium is in a state of flux.


In truth, Sputnik is a little too small to accurately describe the size of my noggin. I have always had a huge cranium, even before the days when my body mass caught up to me. As a kid, I had that whole Pez dispenser thing going on. While I couldn't deliver candy from my neck, the effect was basically the same.


As I gained weight, my head became more proportional. I still had a massive head, and there were plenty of people who never let me forget it. Case in point: as a high school senior, I took a creative writing class. One day, the lesson focused on metaphors and similes. When asked for an example, one particular wise guy grinned smugly and said "Matt's head is as big as Europe."


Interesting choice of words. I don't know how that geography would work, i.e. if my nose were, say, Switzerland, my left ear Poland, and my right ear Ireland. I just know that my head is large, and for those wishing to buy me a gift, I would suggest not going with a fitted baseball cap.


Yet as a big guy, my head was proportional to the rest of my body. The same goes for my facial features. I had bigger ears than many of my classmates, but they seemed to fit me well. The same goes for the nose; while certainly not to the level of Steve Martin in "Roxanne," it's definitely on the larger side. Yet since the rest of me was also oversized, few people would ever look at me and mutter about the size of my schnoz.


My weight loss is up to about 63 pounds. And as much of me is shrinking in a good way, like my waistline and chest, there are other parts that cannot get smaller. As such, my head is starting to look ginormous again, and I've started to be a little subconscious about my ears.


The proportions, however, aren't the real problem. It's the balance. To put it bluntly, my melon's equilibrium is in a funk, and I'm in danger of getting juiced.


Here are just a few examples, all from within the time period of when I began Weight Watchers...


-Several instances of striking my forehead against the door frame of a car. I'd like to think it would just be misjudging the berth of someone else's vehicle, and certainly many of the bonks have been courtesy of Megan's car, but my own Camry has gotten a few good shots on my skull as well. And I've been driving that car for three years now.


-About a month ago, I was sitting at the dining room table at Megan's parents' house. I got up too quickly and forgot about the chandelier hanging overhead. I bumped my cranium right into one of the lamps, which, and there are witnesses to back me up, actually got brighter after making considerable contact with my head.


-Today, I was bringing a load of groceries in from the car. I opened the screen door to the apartment and nailed myself right between the eyes. My head still hurts, and the welt to prove it.


Am I truly worried? Well, not really, but one of these times, I'm going to knock myself out. A concussion is a respectable injury for a quarterback, but just for some goofball carrying groceries inside the house, it's not something to really brag about.


I'm not done yet with losing weight (at the very least, I'm hopeful to keep up the progress). I just hope I'm not going to have to start wearing a bike helmet everywhere I go.


When he hits his head, Roger Rabbit sees stars. I hit mine, and all I see are STATS!

Weeks until wedding: 21.
Pounds lost in Week 28: 0.6
Total weight lost: 62.8 lbs
Percentage toward 60-pound goal: 104.67 percent
Percentage toward new 80-pound goal: 78.5 percent
Weight left to lose before hitting new goal: 17.2 pounds.
Blog Subscribers: 46. No change from last week.
Consecutive weigh-ins without gaining weight: 28. I'm liking this streak. (just be glad I'm not streaking).
UConn men's NCAA hopes: nil.
And the UConn women: Shouldn't they just get a bye to the final game?
Weight of average person's head: 8 pounds, according to the kid in "Jerry Maguire."
Weight of my head: Guessing about 42 pounds.