Attempting to Rogen myself...

However vain or silly it might be, I truly believe that damn near everyone has played the "who would play me in a movie?" game. It's natural, especially for film junkies like myself, to watch the stars and think, "alright, so Hollywood has given the green light to a biopic on me. So who plays the lead?"

I struggled with this question for years until I was introduced to the world of Judd Apatow. More specifically, I saw "Freaks and Geeks" for the first time, a show so fantastic that it dares to show all the awkwardness of the non-pretty high school people. It was honest, poignant, funny, occasionally cringeworthy, and fantastic television. In other words, it was doomed to fail, and sure enough the show got canned after one season. "Undeclared" would follow, this time a funnier version of "Freaks" in a college setting. It too got the axe. Damn you, networks, and your obsession with reality crap.

Of course, now Judd Apatow is the biggest comedy director in the world. And he's been loyal to those that helped get him there. Case in point: Jason Segel played Nick on "Freaks" and is now a major television and movie actor. James Franco went from playing Daniel to being Harry friggin' Osborn in Spiderman.

Yet no one's star has shone quite as brightly, and maybe surprisingly, as Seth Rogen's. I felt a connection with Seth the moment I saw him on screen. He was happy-go-lucky, brooding, goofy, chubby, and sported the most fantastic Jewfro this side of Tel Aviv. He was the best of the second bananas in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," then got cast in the lead in "Knocked Up," giving dorks around the world hope that they too could land a woman about nine times out of their league. Now Seth is in every movie that comes out, and someday, he'll play the lead in the biopic of Matt.

But then, tragedy struck. Seth was no longer content to be the happy fat guy with the ridiculous laugh. No, he had to go for dashing and handsome (that vile traitor). I don't know if he quit the pot or signed a pact with the devil, but seemingly overnight Mr. Rogen went from jolly and chunky to svelte and stylish. Last time he hosted SNL, he joked about his incredible weight loss, saying during his monologue, "it's amazing how different things are since I was here last. Uh, for one thing... I lost about one million pounds. "

Seth got uberskinny. However, the subject of the biopic (that would be me, for those still paying attention) did not. Yeah, I got the hot girl, but while Rogen reels in big part after big part, I found myself in an endless pattern of hard exercise followed by fattening indulgence. I had the gym ethic down, but my diet remained a problem.

So I'm left with two options. I could stay heavy and they could cast someone like Jonah Hill in the part (or, as Adam Sandler calls him in "Funny People," the triple XL version of Seth), or I could make the necessary changes. I'm not taking the easy way. Sorry Jonah, but this part belongs to Seth.

And for those of you wondering if I'm so disillusioned to think there will someday be a movie about me, relax. It's all in good fun. But just in case, I'm maintaining all character rights.