I want one chin...

As much as I notice good changes happening- shirts are looser, belts too big, and so on (been on a Vonnegut kick lately)- I still hate by chins. More accurately, I must admit, I hate my chins. Plural.

In every photo of me, there are two typical looks. The natural look, the one I hate most, appears whenever I'm not aware a photo is being taken. In those cases, I'm laughing hard at something or being genuinely goofy, and in my ecstasy, my chin doesn't stand alone. It's joined by jovial buddies, seeming to smile behind my actual chin. I loathe this look so much that over time, I've come up with a signature pose to make me look a bit thinner, or at least I think it makes me look thinner.

So in every photo where I'm posed, I'm doing what my loved ones commonly refer to as "the chin thing." Looking straight at the camera, I'll pull my lower jaw forward and stick my chin up at an angle. The result: Matt becomes a human barricuda, and all the the years the money my parents spent on by braces to even out my overbite are rendered useless. For football fans, think Bill Cowher. For everyone else, think a bespectacled clown sticking his chin at you.

See this picture as evidence. I even do the scowling chin thing while threatening pirates with golf putters.

It's not a new phenomenon. A few weeks ago, I noticed a 15-year-old me was doing the chin thing in a family photograph taken about a dozen years ago. Yep, it's my "Blue Steel" look (though I hated Zoolander).

I first noticed the presence of multiple chins as a teenager. At that point, I remember thinking, it made me look fat, and so the chin thing was born to override the neck pudge.

The photo of me atop the links to this blog on the Journal Inquirer Web site ist the perfect example. I tried to stick out my chin, the photographer made me laugh, I did the guffaw look, and voila! We have now have a photo on the site where I look like I should be partnered with David Spade.

The fact is, I have a ridiculously proportioned body. My belly doesn't stick out as far as it used to, and my waist is relatively small for a man of my size. But my chest remains broad, and the chubbiest part of me remains my jowls. I hate wearing neck ties for two reasons. First, the only dress shirts where I can fasten the top button are much too big everywhere else, giving me a genuine smock or moomoo look. Second, a tie seems to push my neck up, creating the multiple chin effect I hate so very much.

I've tried to cover my chin in different ways through the years. I'd love to have a nice full beard, or a sleak looking goatee, but unfortunately my facial hair grows in patches that look like someone tried to glue hair under my lip and on my neck. So, rather than look like an oversized teenager afraid to shave, I'll just have deal with the chin problem the only other way. The chub has to go.

I look forward to the day when I can look straight at a photographer and feel comfortable that I only have one chin. I don't know if I'll ever pull off the walnut-cracking chin, a la the George Clooneys of the world, but I'd like my neck to look a little less Farleyesque.

Until then, I'm sure I'll keep sticking out that chin. Frankly, it's your fault, photographer. I told you I hate having my picture taken.