Sound like a great afternoon? Well, if you're comedian John Pinette, that is your weight loss mantra and promise of reward for surviving 45 minutes on the elliptical machine.
As entertaining as I find the gym, the music they blast over the speakers is, quite plainly, awful. Yes, Pussycat Dolls, I also "hate this part right here," so by all means, stop singing it. Britney, we know he's a womanizer. How about laying off the nicotine so you're voice doesn't sound like a 60-year-old smoker?
The iPod holds the antidote to such terrible "music." And while I love the irony of listening to show tunes while sweating through a mesh shirt (nothing inspires a hard workout quite like "The Rainbow Connection"), comedians often provide the best motivation for keeping moving. Since the inception of stand-up, comics have rattled off about fat people, being fat themselves, and how much it sucks to have to lose that fat.
So who are my go-to comics while at the gym? I'm glad you asked! In fact, here are five....
5. Lewis Black, "The White Album" or "Rules of Enragement"
The world's great rage comic has some great things to say about weight loss. Granted, Lew may be getting older, but he's far from chubby. Still, he sums up well how much he hates health clubs, preferring much more to spend his time at his own health club... the International House of Pancakes, where Black rationalizes that there's always someone there who weighs 150 more pounds than you ever will ("It's on the menu, read it some time!")
Lew's best weight-related routine: "Rules of Enragement," Health Clubs
He muses on Speedos, the idiocy of watching people watch themselves work out, and the stupidity of New Yorkers paying money to use fancy stairs.
"If you're actually spending a portion of your week watching your muscle grow, your ego's reached a point where it's eating itself."
4. Mike Birbliglia, "Two Drink Mike"
My favorite comedian, but someone who also doesn't fall into the chubby category, Mike expounds on how he's not fat, but he's definitely the kind of guy who could "really out the breaks on" naughty group activity and how hard it is to impress women at the gym when you're a scrawny white guy, and the awkwardness of water aerobics.
Mike's best weight related routine: Two Drink Mike
He jokes about worrying that participating in naughty group activity (yep, trying to keep this family friendly) would be like playing pickup basketball, where no one passes him the ball and everyone asks him to put his shirt back on. Oh, and then there's the challenge of attracting the opposite sex while at the gym...
"Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground. That is hot!"
3. Jim Gaffigan, "Beyond the Pale" or "King Baby"
Jim's a bit on the pudgy guy, but not someone you'd necessarily call fat. However, when most of your routine revolves around your love of food ("when you're hungry, the Food Network's like porn."), and you bowling proves to be an overwhelming exercise, you qualify for this list. Gaffigan gets more points for being relatively clean in his act, but still undeniably funny.
Jim's best weight-related routine: "Beyond the Pale," Eat Healthy
This could go to any of Jim's bits, but I think this one best sums up how difficult it is to lay off the junk food.
"I mean I eat kind of healthy, compared to some of the Eskimos. Up in Alaska, they're eating blubber up there. I'm practically starving myself on my Cinnabon. I mean whale blubber, that's like eating a fat guy, isn't it?"
2. Patton Oswalt, "My Weakness is Strong"
A newer edition to my list, Patton has gradually gained weight through the years, culminating with his recent special where he bemoaned what's happening to his body, traveling back in time to warn his past self not to eat fried rice for breakfast, and taking pictures of his body to be published in Discover Magazine.
Patton's best weight-related routine: Fat
He worries about the standard he is setting for his unborn daughter ("I am a walking terrible example, that's all I am"), as well as being on the border of "B-word fat," where people can tell you're overweight without even looking at you based on your pronunciation of any words starting with B.
"This year, I have to commit to losing weight or I have to become fascinated with what's happening to me, like Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly."
1. John Pinette, "I'm Starvin!"
John has personal significance to me. He was the first big name act I saw live, when I was 15 during a trip to Caroline's in New York. He was, frankly, massive, joking about getting kicked out of Chinese buffets, how skinny people ruin buffets, and how dangerous water parks are for fat people. He had me in tears/in an asthma attack as I laughed, and he has remained one of my all time favorites.
Always a talented singer, John got cast a few years ago as Edna Turnblad in the Broadway production of "Hairspray." Despite the fact that he would be playing drag, more specifically an overweight woman popularized by Harvey Fierstein's take on the part, John was instructed to shed pounds in preparation for the role.
So John found himself on diets and at the gym. What transpires is the funniest routine ever on what it's like to be the fat guy at the gym for the first time. Nothing I could possibly describe or quote can do this routine justice.
John's best weight-related routine: Getting into Shape
Where to start: how he lost 100 pounds and people responded "I can really see it in your face." Or how about wearing a black Sean John sweatsuit and realizes he looked like a panda ("I didn't know you could get this close to them)? Or his fights with personal trainers, reasoning they should reward him for lifting weights with a cheese danish? His ability to "quit the gym cold turkey then eat the cold turkey?" Looking like a giant baby while working with a fitness orb? "Raviolis and a nap," as I led this blog with? It could be any, but here's a truly great quote about a trainer's repeated asking of "how do you feel."
"I feel like God is punishing me, and if I'm a better person he'll send an angel down with a chicken pot pie and a cupcake. Now don't ask me again!"
As I close this post, I once again bring up Relay for Life. The event is coming up this weekend, and the JI is sending a team. Any donation would be very much appreciated as we take part, so here's the link again.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09National?px=13455107&pg=personal&fr_id=16250
We need your support! Whether it's a dollar or $100, every donation counts.
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