Turkey Tauntin' and Trash Talkin'

This year, I have no fear of you, or your delicious legs...

You better bring your A game if you think this year is going to be the same as the last, well, 26, Mr. Turkey.

You've had a good run. Really, you have, you and all your deliciously fattening friends. I'm not just directing this smack at you, but to your buddies like stuffing/dressing, potatoes both sweet and mashed, and whatever other butter-soaked vegetables you want to bring my way.



And, just for good measure, your girlfriend Pumpkin Pie and your mistress Apple Pie don't stand a chance of knocking me down this year either.


I'm on a roll right now. Aside from crystal meth addicts and Biggest Loser contestants, it's hard for people to lose more weight than I did this past week. I don't know what the formula was: could have been my body burning calories to beat my cold, or diversifying my workout, or simply cutting and counting points, but suddenly I'm within about 20 pounds of my ultimate goal. And then, perhaps, it will be time for me to consider just how far I can go.


But I'm not entirely new to weight loss. Always one to say "I've got to lose a few pounds," every once in a while, I'd actually get focused and *gulp* diet. Sometimes I'd find some success, build a little steam, and get the compliments from those I hadn't seen in a while. And then, without fail, Thanksgiving would come along, and the allure of Dad's turkey on the grill and whatever wonderful baked goods Lyman Orchards would have to offer would be the end of the diet. "I'll get back on the wagon tomorrow," I'd tell myself. Tomorrow would come, and the wagon would be filled with leftovers, and by the end of that week, I would have not only eaten the leftovers, but most of the wagon as well.




Yet here's the thing: I've never been on a roll like this before. Even a few years ago, when I was on my Israel quest and lost 50 pounds, it was a drawn out process that saw me stagger during the Holidays. It would be a shame for me to throw this year's progress on a couple of meals, even if turkey and stuffing is in my top 5 favorite foods of all time.



I'm not expecting to get through this week without a challenge. And trust me, come Thursday, I will eat and eat well. But this time, I'm working off whatever I put in, and I won't allow myself to spiral into a losing battle with the Gravy Gauntlet.


After Thanksgiving, there will be other holidays that will tempt me. I broke even on Halloween. Hanukkah begins on sundown on Dec. 11, and there will, naturally, be potato latkes and my mother's dreidle-shaped sugar cookies to threaten my efforts. Christmas brings chocolates of every shape and theme, from Santa to Frosty to the largest and most dangerous chocolate of all, the Abominable-Snowman-from-Rudolph-life sized-peanut butter cup (note: this might not be an actual holiday candy, but maybe just the best dream Augustus Gloop or Matt Engelhardt ever had). New Year's brings dangers in liquid form. And for me, the holidays don't quite end until mid-January, when I celebrate my birthday usually through the courtesy of my sister's amazing chocolate cake.


So yes, the hurdles are out there for me to trip, fall, and devour. But the focus is there, too, and it starts by not getting gobbled by the turkey. So bring it on, Butterball. For the first time in 27 years, you are entering a world of pain.


A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what'll it be?" The priest and rabbi exchange glances, high five, and simultaneously yell "STATS!"


Weeks until wedding: 35
Week 12 pounds lost: 7.2. Seriously. And no Mom, I'm not on meth.
Total weight lost: 39.6
Average weight loss per week: 3.3
Percentage of overall 60-pound goal: 66 percent
Pounds remaining to lose: 20.4
Number of subscribers to this blog: 24
Number last week: 21. I never should have promised free candy to every subscriber.
Things that way 7.2 pounds: infants, an almost full-gallon of milk, several bags of Hershey's Kisses
Weeks until Xmas: not sure, but I should really start shopping
Last time I weighed this much: freshman year of high school
Graduated from high school in: 2000. Yep, that's 10 years. Go Blue Dragons!
Practicality of a mascot called the Blue Dragons: high, if you're a knight.