Sorry, Mitch Albom. I don't know much about the people you meet in heaven, but having been a gym rat in disguise for the last three years or so, I have learned plenty about the characters you meet at the gym.
The best thing about the people on this list? They all think they're unique, yet every gym I've been to, whether a YMCA or fitness center, always has these stock characters. They're like background characters in a movie: sometimes I don't know if they're actual people, or just spies planted by the gym management (or perhaps the government) to make sure no unauthorized exercise is being performed. Examples: handstands on the treadmill or Communist pushups.
So with the help of a drumroll (yes, you sitting at your desk. We can wait.... Alright, fine!), here are the 5 people you meet at every gym.
1. Mr. Musclehorn
We all know this guy. He spends all his time by the free weights, except for those few moments where he's behind you in the line for the water fountain scoffing at your physique. He's generally a mountain of muscle, and though I'm sure there are plenty of smart people who fall into this category, Mr. Musclehorn comes off as dumb as a rock.
Age range: 18-40
Visible tattoos: barbed wire around biceps, sword across back, misspelled name of girlfriend/wife/mother across forearm.
Strengths: Can flex anything, including fingernails; muscles in neck actually have miniature muscles of their own, and even their mini muscles are bigger than biceps.
Weaknesses: doors (hard to walk through without turning sideways), patience for lesser creatures
Typical outfit: tanktop, muscle shirt, spandex shorts
Typical show to watch while working out: anything on ESPN.
2. The Know-it-all
Another classic character. The Know-it-all has two typical characteristics. First, he thinks he knows everyone at the gym, but while he considers himself a Zack Morris, everyone else sees him as Screech. Second, he has watched you work out and not only knows what you've been doing wrong, but has no qualms about helping you fix it.
Age Range: 16-30
Visible tattoos: not usually. Depends on what fraternity he pledged (or hopes to pledge).
Strengths: overwhelmingly gregarious, always greets everyone he meets; uncanny ability to appear next to whatever machine you are using
Weaknesses: taking criticism; too willing to give you a congratulatory pat; offers to spot you even on workouts that don't require lifting
Typical outfit: designer T-shirt or fraternity letters, tearaway track pants
Typical show: non-major sports like biking, climbing, or volleyball
3. The Belle of the (fitness) Ball
She treats the health club like it was night club. Secretly, she's more interested in who's watching her work out than actually working out, and she spent way too much time and money shopping for a sports bra that shows just the right amount of cleavage.
Age Range: 16-49
Visible tattoos: lower back or hip, usually a butterfly, flower, or Chinese symbol they themselves cannot interpret
Strengths: texting while jogging; pretending not to notice slobbery blogger watching out of corner of his eye; flirting with the staff
Weaknesses: not getting attention
Typical outfit: designer form-fitting tank top, short shorts with "PINK" written across the rear
Typical Show: Cribs, My Super Sweet 16, Room Raiders... basically MTV
4. The Retiree
Inspiring men and women who no longer work and instead spend the better part of their days at the gym. They typically rule both the locker room and the workout floor between the hours of 8 a.m. and 3:30 p.m., leaving just before the post-work crew arrives. They're very friendly, often talking to you about just about anything... sometimes uncomfortably.
Age range: 60-80
Visible tattoos: None. And if they see one on you, prepare for questions.
Strengths: ability to run miles farther than other gym-goers half their age; knowledge that age is nothing but a number
Weaknesses: people who forget to wipe off the machine
Typical outfit: T-shirt bearing name of grandson or daughter's college, sweat pants
Typical show: CNBC, Fox News, MSNBC, CNN
5. Retired Musclehorn
This might be my favorite of all. Retired Musclehorn isn't as young as he used to be, but dammit, he's showing off his physique, sometimes at his own detriment. He is more than happy to stretch out audibly, letting everyone at the gym know that he's here to kick butt and show the world his powerlifting days aren't over yet.
Age Range: 45-68
Visible tattoos: maybe one on the forearm, just to show that he's still "with it."
Strengths: using entire boundary of the gym to do squat walks and thrusts
Weaknesses: no patience for the moron who's still on the rowing machine and should have been done 10 minutes ago!
Typical outfit: shaved head, loose-fitting tanktop, mesh shorts
Typical show: None necessary. His routine and focus are all the show he, or you, will ever need!
and one extra...
6. The goofy blogger
He looks innocent, but don't be fooled: he's watching everyone and taking mental notes, just so he can update his blog later with descriptions of everyone he's seen.
Age Range: 27
Visible Tattoos: Mom would not approve, but if she did, Fozzie Bear across the left calf
Strengths: motivation; recognizing his fellow gym-goers
Weaknesses: Holy crap, he's sweating and all he's done is change into his shorts; too motivated by the idea of a snack later.
Typical outfit: old T-shirt, socks with holes that should have been thrown away, mesh shorts
Typical show: A movie he's seen a dozren times already. Don't worry, he doesn't need the sound on . This goofball can quote all of "Ferris Bueller" by heart.
Anyone to add? This space is mine to share....
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While you have the guys down pretty solid, you are lacking in terms of female gym stereotypes. While I'm sure Meg is proud, I'd like you to consider the average female gymmer. She is 20-35, wears yoga pants and a t-shirt that covers her butt and can be found on the cardio deck. Machine of choice is clearly the elliptical machine because it burns calories faster than anything else and it doesn't suck as much as running. Strengths include the ability to avoid nausea and maintain balance on the elliptical. Weaknesses include justification of eating chocolate post workout because she has already earned it. TV shows are n/a. The average female gymmer loves her ipod. She can be found listening to upbeat music which makes her want to dance...or at least keep her feet moving in a elliptical motion.
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