Five ways adults ruin Halloween

With all due respect to Christmas, Hannukah, and every other holiday designed for children, there is no time of year quite like Halloween.

Ridiculous amounts of candy. Excuses to watch completely pointless, cheesy, and bloody movies. Seeing your classmates wear costumes that are designed for someone at least 10 years older than them.
And oh, the temptation of what is around the corner. Look around your local Target or Walmart. Near all those costumes for Bumble Bee the transformer and actual costumes for "sexy" bumble bees, retailers already have Christmas lights and other decorations just itching to go on sale. And in between is, of course, Thanksgiving, marking October 31 as not just Halloween, but also as the beginning of the overeater's gauntlet. If only kids got a day off of school, Halloween would be the greatest holiday ever (and, by the way, this year kids have it on Saturday).

But things get a little different once kids reach adulthood, and more changes than just the amount of cleavage shown by said bumble bee. So, continuing the theme of weekly lists, and inspired by daily such lists on Cracked.com, here are Five ways Adults Ruin Halloween...

5. Haunted Houses

Towns and really cool/slightly creepy neighbors often put on great displays for Halloween. In East Hartford, the Veteran's clubhouse has been completely transformed into a labyrinth of ghouls, werewolves, and demon clowns. The Haunted Graveyard at Lake Compounce started as a Middletown guy's yard display, then grew into the most frightening show this side of Salem. And for kids, what could be better than walking through a spooky house, only strobe lights and dry ice providing ambiance, and scaring a girl you have a crush on with a quick "boo!" just before a vampire jumps out at you, or more likely, a screenwriter pitches another vampire movie.

How adults screw it up: Two ways. One, the zealots who trick kids into coming into Hell Houses, attractions designed not to scare youngsters with ghosts and boogieman, but rather tales of sin and debauchery that only come to those who stray from the divine path. Second, parents who think haunted houses are too scary for their kids... or overestimate how brave their children are in reality. I would have had less sleepless nights if my folks simply understood that I was a major wuss.

4. Scary movies

One of my most vivid Halloween memories came when I was about 12. My Dad and brother decided a scary movie was in order and returned from the video store with a copy of "The Exorcist." Four two hours, I was horrified at Regan spitting the pee soup and saying things about deities that most kids ought not to hear. But that's the fun for a kid, getting to see scary movies filled with blood and sex that would otherwise be taboo any other time of year. Seriously kids, this Christmas, ask your parents to let you watch "Bad Santa," then give a plot synopsis of what you learned. You will not get any presents.

How adults ruin it: We can watch terrible movies any time of the year. Yet at Halloween, we break out the worst of the bunch, namely the "Scary Movie" series and who knows how many Michael Myers sequels, leaving us crabby and proving once again that the Wayans brothers should be banned from making films. "The Exorcist" haunts me to this day. "Scary Movie 2" just makes me feel ill.

3. Trick or Treating

Perhaps the greatest holiday tradition. It combines the two items yet to be revealed on the list, kids get plenty of exercise walking all over the neighborhood, freak out there parents by eating Snickers bars that have yet to be inspected for razor blades, and come home with pillow cases literally overflowing with sugar.

How adults ruin it: Well, the jerks who do the razor blade thing are the obvious. But really, it's parents freaking out about who lives in their neighborhood. When I was a kid, I lived in a neighborhood designed for Trick or Treating. Kids knew to hit the condos for the big candy scores, to avoid the dentist's house out of fear of receiving floss, and that Tootsie Rolls were terrible rewards for climbing long driveways. There would be hundreds of kids around, and aside from a few punks with eggs, it was good, wholesome, slightly nauseating fun. Now, parents accompany their kids everywhere, leaving Halloween as no longer a test of kids' endurance, but Mom and Dad's patience.

And extra negative points to teenagers who don't know when to give up. Here's a hint, if you're old enough that you can grow your own ugly beard instead of having to draw one one, you're too old to Trick or Treat.

2. Costumes

As a kid, Halloween was an excuse not just to overeat, but to buy a fake weapon. As I never let my parents forget, I wasn't allowed to play with fake guns. However, a pirate simply isn't complete without a sword, and so every year (when I didn't go as a pirate), I went as something that would allow me to buy a cheap plastic weapon. I collected an arsenal of swords, axes, and pitchforks, which I'd inevitably lose interest in, but still trumped the rules of the house. Plus, when you're a kid, you can be anything, from Spiderman to a hobo, and no one argues with you. It's your holiday. If you want to go as Pumbaa, go ahead.

How adults screw it up: We all know adults use Halloween costumes as an excuse to be a little naughty. It's not just the women in sexy costumes; just count how many men, particularly tough guys, use Halloween parties as an excuse to wear drag. But there are some costumes that adults shouldn't try to oversexify. Example, if you are going to a party as an American Girl Doll at a Rave, you're tarnishing precious memories of childhood. Not that I played with American Girl dolls, mind you, but I had a little sister.

Then there's the other side of the coin: people trying to pull off costumes they're not built to accommodate. Yes, I've lost some weight in recent months, but I'm not about to go to a party as a Spartan warrior from "300." That's not preparing for glory, but setting yourself up to see the most regrettable digital photos ever.

1. Candy

Butterfinger. Reese's. Nestle Crunch. M&M's. Candy Corn. Three Musketeers. Jolly Ranchers. Kit Kat...... I just drooled on my keyboard. And it's everywhere, starting the beginning of September and lasting all the way until October 31.

How Adults screw it up: Well, for one, there's the people who hand out raisins and granola instead of chocolate. Not cool. Kids are trick or treating for peanut butter cups, not for sale items at Whole Foods.

Also, we now print the calorie information on everything, and sadly I now know exactly how many calories are in each fun size Snickers. I was happier before I knew that. Frankly, I think my stomach bulged for the first time when they started printing nutritional information on bags. There are some things that go better unknown. Halloween candy is one of them.

Happy Halloween, everyone. Excuse me while I step into my Bumble Bee costume.