If insanity is truly doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result, well, it appears I am going insane.
Since I began this little weight loss quest of mine, it's been the same routine almost every time I go to the bathroom. Our electronic scale, which I used to avoid like it was covered with Steinbrenner snot, calls to me from its spot. I step on, wait a few seconds for the numbers to flash, get annoyed when the scale says "lo batt," step off, step back on, get downright pissed if it reads "err," then do the whole routine again until a reasonable figure flashes.
Whether it says I'm three pounds lighter on eight pounds heavier, the scale just always seems to be a little off. Once, I stepped on and it registered that I had lost about 135 pounds, which made me really happy until I realized the measurement had been switched to kilograms. Stupid metric system. Back to Europe with you, and your simplistic measurements!
As mentioned above with the not-so-subtle knock against the New York Yankees (I really, really hate Teixeira and ARod right now), the scale used to be a source of great dread to me. I avoided going to the doctor simply because I hated facing the nurse and the constant sliding to the right of that little knob. No, not another 50! Aw, bloody hell! At home, if I did step on the scale, it was usually by accident, preceeded by me stubbing my toe against the machine and stammering around in pain across the bathroom floor.
And now I torture myself by stepping on the scale too much. Weight Watchers wants you to weigh yourself once a week at the support groups known as meetings, with an employee registering your progress in your little chart and either giving a congratulatory nod or a conciliatory smirk. But since I'm obsessed with preparing for the worst, I normally weigh myself at least twice a day during most days, and roughly 97 times before heading off to the weekly meeting. Now I even weigh myself in the men's locker room at the gym, which is good because it's one of those doctor's office scales, but strange because there's usually a guy standing naked behind you waiting for his turn.
Last week, the fickle scale had me go through an entire spectrum of emotions. From Friday through Tuesday, I was elated, believing I was in store for a week of losing 4 to 5 pounds. By Wednesday, I was frustrated that the scale didn't seem as friendly as the past few days. By Thursday morning, I was ready to throw the scale out the window. Come Thursday afternoon, when the vindictive instrument told me I had gained a pound, I tried to flush it down the toilet. Now the building manager is mad about the plumbing being backed up, and insists we pay for it.
Sometimes I would even suck in my gut, like the scale was not only measuring my weight, but also fitting me for pants.
By the time we headed for the meeting on Thursday, I had resigned myself that it was going to be a flat week at best, and at worst that I had gained a metric ton. Once again, the overreacting gremlin inside of me had gotten the best of dear Matt, and when I finally weighed in (again sucking in my belly), I got the congratulatory nod. Almost two more pounds lost. That's six weeks in a row of weight loss, success that I share with my beautiful fiancee.
So now Megan is ready to hide the scale, and maybe I should let her. After all, I do have bouts of insanity, and as long as that scale remains in the bathroom, I'm likely to continue my quixotic routine. (note: If you can ever use the word "quixotic" in a game of Scrabble, stop the game and consider playing professionally).
I'm really only kidding myself. If she hides the scale, I'll just find it, like a pig sniffing out truffles or a pre-Weight Watchers Matt catching a whiff of Oreos somewhere in the house. Maybe at least she'll switch it to kilograms again, just to teach me a lesson.
On your mark, get set, stats!
Weeks until wedding: 41
Week 6 pounds lost: 1.6
Total weight lost: 21.6 pounds
Percentage of overall 60-pound goal: 36 percent. Calculators are wonderful things.
Pounds remaining to lose: 38.4
Record number of matzoh balls I've downed in one sitting: 38.4
Number of subscribers to this blog: nine
Number last week: six. Thank you!
Possible Halloween costumes: Skanky Ghostbuster, skanky Lando Calrissian, skanky Mt. Rushmore
More appropriate Halloween costume: Sully from Monsters Inc., Shrek, slightly skanky Ghostbuster
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I understand that the scale can be additive. You can solve the multiple results issue by buying a new one. I think I bought my last one for $20 at Walgreens. Make sure it is digital. And you are right, if Megan hides it you will find it. The scale provides instant success and instant failure. I would suggest only allowing yourself to weigh in at the same time of day (I weigh myself before I shower in the morning:) ). Any other time of day and you are fooling yourself. You have more water and food in your system and results vary day by day hour by hour.
ReplyDeleteHere are some little things that might boost a weight loss this week...
Drink tons of water each day. The firs day you might weigh in a little more, but it will balance itself out after the first day.
Start or end your day with a 30 minute walk.
Eat breakfast. Something consistent, like a FiberPlus bar and a large glass of water.
Eat a lot of egg product (in a box)..It makes great omelets, at half the calories of a regular eat and provides you protein. Plus, it is quick to make.
Good luck this week!!!